I’ve been thinking of this blog for several days if not weeks now, but have failed to write it. Again, not because of time, but if I type the words, then it will be real. It will be a problem I now acknowledge publicly, and I will have no choice but to attempt to fix it. I take that back. I guess I could choose to keep living on with my sin, but what good does that for me or anyone else? Nothing. Besides, repent means to turn away from. So acknoledging the sin is not enough. I must face it and turn the other way.
So… the confessions… here they go. God has really pointed to two sins in my life lately that I’m really struggling with. The first is having a trusting faith (is that redundant?), and the second is gossip. I feel many read those confessions and say, “Who doesnt struggle with that?!” But here is the thing. I’m not just struggling with them. I’m allowing those sins to win. I’m allowing them to take over my life. That is the problem. Sure. Everyone struggles with sin daily, and always will while on earth. However, when you are not confronting those sins, and allowing them to run amuck in your life, then that is not just a problem. It is a huge problem.
I don’t feel I need to go into detail with the gossip. I’m sure everyone gets the point. However, I would like to go into detail about having a trusting faith. Having my daughter has grown my faith in many ways. For example, I love her with everything I have, and it’s a different kind of love. It’s a love only other parents can comprehend. What this love has taught me is: that’s exactly how God feels for us. He loves each of us more than I love my daughter, if that’s possible. But where my faith has struggled is trusting God with her on a daily basis. Even typing that I feel odd. How can I know he loves EVERYONE that much, but not trust Him to look out for her everyday when I’m not there. How prideful? How shameful of me to sit here and think she’s better off with me, then with God. Deep down that’s not how I feel. I know, if she could only have one of us, she is better off with God. There is no contest. I can only offer a very small fraction of what God can offer her. But, my actions and emotions would tell you the exact opposite. I stress about leaving her in the church nursery. I stress about her having to start daycare this month. I worry that I may die younger than I plan on. All of these worries, just reveal what is lacking. What is lacking is a trusting faith. And that’s hard for me to write/read/hear. It’s hard to hear that I admit to not trusting God with everything I have. It saddens me. But hopefully this is just the beginning of me learning to let go and let God.